At night….Thats when he would lay thinking of her. Wishing and hoping she was doing the same.
He finished work early today. He would have gone home straight after..But he needed his time. Time alone to think everything through. Even if he went back home, he knew they would just end up arguing. They’ve been fighting everyday now. But he did not want to fight today. Today, he wanted to be in his own thoughts. His memories of her. All of it. Every little thing about her. All of her. Just today, he will let thoughts of her consume him. Just for now. He will allow himself just this, today.
He would always remember how it started. How it went on..and of course, how it all ended. Was he a fool to keep wondering if she thought of him? Was he a bastard to be thinking about her, when he already had a family?
As he walked home, he remembered the walks he had with her. How her smile always warmed his heart. He hoped she was smiling too, wherever she was. He missed her voice. Those days he wants so much are gone. The nights get longer and longer. How did he fall in love with her just like that? Right now, all he wanted was to see her, touch her, hold her in his arms, to be with her. Does she feel him beside her in her bed? There is so much his heart doesn’t understand…but does it really matter now? After all, their two hearts were to be as one.
He gave thanks when he saw the lights were off at home. He did not want to face her today. He wouldn’t be able to handle it. He laid down on his bed…his body weary, his heart heavy, his head throbbing. He feels her breath on his arm as she is sleeping..he turns towards her and he sighs in despair. Feeling sad and lonely. He wants to let it all go. He wants to touch her, to gather her in his arms…but he cant. He’s tried, everyday, he hoped he could learn to love her as time went by. Its been 2 years and yet…he is not in love with her…He doesn’t want this life with her. He’s never wanted it with her. They were together but they might as well have live separate lives.
Feeling lost and not knowing what to do, he gets up and walks over to the other bedroom. The bedroom of dreams…his only comfort. He watches the little one sleep in the cot…her face, innocent..contented. He knew, she was his right…only she could calm his thoughts, make him warm all over. Take away his fears…he ruffles her hair and kisses her. He watches her sleep peacefully while he sits on the floor. He likes watching her sleep. Makes him feel peaceful. But his heart still ached for something more…
He takes it out of his pocket. He thumbs the cover in the dark. Tears roll down his face as he flips the pages open. He remembers each page. He’s memorized it. All the pictures. All the wordings…That smile of hers, with her friends. How he wished he was part of her life. How he wished there was a picture of the both of them in this book. The book she had made for him. Just for him because she loved him that much. The book that was a part of everything that she was and still is. He can’t stop crying. The tears keep falling. His mind torn..his heart taken…how he wished he could go back to the way things were. Regret. All he has is regrets..Her. Him. Now. Everything. Her voice. Her smile. Her heart. His heart. Her. His everything. He only has dreams now. There is nothing he can offer her and yet…he wants to give her so much. But he gets the stangest feeling that she’s gone away from him. He wished he could be every thing she wanted.
Then again,
How was he to know that, one little mistake, would come back to haunt him. With every breath he takes….
