I heard at Abby's you have a monkey. I wanna see it. 
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Posted in Miscellaneous on April 28th, 2005It happened last year. 26 June 2004. The call came in at 3.30am in morning. I will always remember that day. Till today, I wonder what made me answer that phone call in the early morning. I heard IP’s voice on the other line. “Sharkbait, DD passed away” For a moment, I remembered, I thought I was dreaming. She said it again, this time her voice almost breaking..”Sharkbait, he passed away this morning. In his sleep” I don’t remember exactly what I had said or how I reacted..I don’t remember what went on in my head. But I know my thoughts were swirling..My heart was in pain. Gone, just like that.
It happened last year. July 2004. It happened about 7am in the morning. She was walking to the bathroom and she slipped and fell. Her head struck the wall, she was bleeding. Calling out for help. She kept calling out for her mother. She was on the floor crying. A 88 year old woman, my grandmother, crying for her own mother. A minor stroke. A blood clot in the brain. And so it began..the numerous overnight hospital stays.
It happened last year. July 2004. I first met her when she came down to Singapore for a play. I was working part-time and helping out with the production. We soon became friends. We’ve kept in touch over emails..we called each other from time to time. Friends. Tell each other stuff that goes on in their lives. What happens, when they think they can’t hang on any longer…I received an email from her brother. She had committed suicide. Gone, just like that.
It happened last year. Had been working in Mentally Dysfunctional Institute of SingASongofSixPence. It became worse every day. Could not take leave even though grandma was in hospital. Students calling my mobile everyday. Mr Whitedog had been hired to be the director. He made my life a living hell because I was of relation to the big boss. Things became worse. I was confused. I couldn’t quit just like that because my hands were tied. Everyday, I woke up dreading to go to work. Crying in the bus on the way to work. Too much work. Could not cope. Family did not understand. Nobody understood. Nobody wanted to listen. Lost.
It happened last year. I had already made plans. To go away. Run away from everything. Was alone at the hospital, sitting outside…did not know what to do, where to go…I didn’t have anyone. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this low and lost in my life. She called. She just happen to call to ask how I was. She knew something was wrong. She didn’t ask if I needed company..she just knew. She came over to the hospital from home at 12am. With hot chocolate. With a hug. With a smile. She stayed till 6am. She had work at 11am.
It happened last year. Two of us, woebegone…devdas. She, with her heart broken, mind in chaos…she who was going thru her own shit…who cried with me…Who looked so sad. Sat down beside me and cheered me up. And thats when it happened. The Plan.
It happened last year. At 2am in the morning. Over mashed potatoes and chocolates. We had a plan. Something to look forward to in 2005. Something for us to smile and think about whenever we were feeling down. A trip to somewhere far far way. To forget everything over here. Spain, she thought at first…but then she decided New York would have been a better bet for us. And so, every other night she came over to the hospital. With hot chocolate. With a hug. With a smile. With a Plan. To go to New York.
Two people who’ve been stumped to the ground. Who’ve always thought of other people. Who wanted to make everybody happy. Who tried to make people happy. This was the one thing…the one thing that they would do to make themselves happy. September 2005. The initial plan. And so the planning begin. Discussion over coffee, over peanut balls, over sleep overs, over dinners. All the planning started to look good…surfing the net for apartments. Helping each other save money. And when we spoke of it…some kept quiet. Some mentioned to other people, that we wouldn’t make it..that it was just a silly dream. That it was just all talk. Some wanted to come along. It was open to anybody and everybody. It was never exclusive. Never. But it was decided that no matter what…we would go to New York. That the two girls who cried, who, over a cup of mashed potatoes and chocolate would indeed go to New York.
It happened on 24 April 2005. An opportunity came up. The Plan which was suppose to be in September could very well be done in July. An opportunity that rarely ever happens. And so..we worked out the details. After all..these details have been worked out since last July. We spoke of it many times.The Plan could very well be done in July 2005. Was it wrong to take the offer? Was it wrong to want this so much? Was it wrong to say no matter what we are going to do this? Was it wrong of me to take it? I can explain at length, how much this trip means to me…but you all will never understand. Never. I tried to explain…but I don’t think you were ready to listen. So call me a bastard child. Call me a fucker..call me insensitive.
But do not even think of calling me selfish. Because in the end..asking to be happy for us is just too much. So we will make you all happy instead. Is that selfish?? We don’t want this trip to be upsetting..not to us..but to you all. And so…she’s decided. She, with the hot chocolate, with the hug, with the smile..has decided not to go..so that everybody will be happy.
Little did all of you know…that you’ve just fucked up my dream. Fucked up my opportunity. What’s the point of going now..when its just one and not the two girls, who sat outside the hospital corridor..who wished they could dissappear..who had to look for the rainbows to make their happiness..who will rough it out till New York…who thought and dreamt of The Plan.
What’s the point of going now…
