Magical Tipsy Toes

Sometimes, when something happens…something unexpected happens, you don’t realize how you react till much later and then you wonder why if you should have acted in any other way…

Other times, you just want to be on guard so you prepare yourself before the unexpected or in this case the expected happens. So that you can say, you were prepared for the event and therefore hoping that you were not hurt in the process. Or even if you were hurt in the process, you pretend you weren’t because you don’t want to deal with it. Because dealing with it would mean dealing with emotions and sometimes, emtotions fuck you up.

Sometimes, even when you’re about to deal with a situation, you realize that you’re not going to be heard and that even if you did explain yourself, it would only be looked upon as an excuse..so therefore, you would think there is no point in talking cause nobody is going to listen and talking about it makes you tired…so you try very hard to let it go. But you realize that when you’re supposedly letting it go…you let go of all the emotions. Of everything. In hopes that you will forget everything. And then you realize that you did and you can’t come back because you don’t want too. And that’s when you know you’re fucked.

It’s like a box of emotions. If you open the box, you deal with all the emotions and the emotions fuck you up. But if you don’t want to deal with it, you step away from the box that way you don’t see the emotions. So you keep stepping further and further away from the box till you realized that you’re actually fucked up in your own way. And that the stepping away from the box is so fucking stupid..you mess everything up yourself. Cause it decides to come back and bite you in the ass.

You find yourself not looking. And then you wonder why exactly aren’t you looking? Then you ask youself if there is seriously something wrong with you. And then your mind starts racing and panicking because you know that is just not normal. So you list out the reasonings so it can help your thought process because in normal circumstances it would but in this case you’re only fooling yourself…because the reason is staring you right in the face. And you know that you’ve known it all along…and now that its so crystal clear..you know you’re fucked…because you can’t do anything about it but pretend. Then you begin to slowly hate yourself for feeling the way you feel. Especially when the feeling isn’t a nice feeling and you know you should think or act the certain way.

You know you’re hooked on m&ms when you realize that you’ve been neglecting it cause you also kinda like smarties.

I give up.