Magical Tipsy Toes

On the phone at work….

Sharkbait: “Babe, I feel like crap la.

CFB: “Yeah me too…what to do ah”

Sharkbait: “I think I should just lie on the road and get a car to run over me.”

CFB: “Hmm…the road. I just want to roll.”

Sharkbait: “What??”

CFB: “Roll around. I just want to roll around the road. I feel like rolling today”

Sharkbait imagines CFB rolling and burst out into uncontrollable laughter.

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In the toilet…

CFB: “Babe..look at my hair…it’s too curly.

Sharkbait: “It looks alright babe…really”

CFB: “No la..why does it have to be so curly. Look at it..it looks crazy”

Sharkbait: “Maybe it’s because you just washed it”

CFB: “No…I think it’s because I use curling lotion for my hair”

Sharkbait: (trying hard to control laughter) “CFB, why?? Why are you like this?”

I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m like you when provoked. I’m scared that when you do what you do, I might lose it. And when I do lose it, I’ll regret it. I can’t hang on any longer. It should not bother me. I should know by now how to ignore it and act like it’s as normal as day. It used to be easy pushing it away, burying it far away cause when it was alright, it really was alright. Or so I thought. But when it happens over and over, all of it rushes back to me at once.

It’s a struggle now, for me to control it. Overwhelming even.

That’s why I don’t believe.
That’s why I don’t think I deserve it.
That’s why I feel the way I do.

And I absolutely hate myself for it.