Magical Tipsy Toes

How is it you’re able to make me feel so small and so horrible about myself, when I know my head knows better? How is it when you look at me, I feel so ugly? How is it that after all that….you still don’t understand.

I’ll keep pretending. For everybody else.

Like you said. For everybody else.

My sister has been reading my blog quietly. She likes to pretend she doesn’t read it but look, babe…I know you do. I can check. That’s why I have a tracker, you fool. So why you bluff me when you say that you only read it once. I know you read it almost everyday. Sometimes you find out secret things about me and you pretend that you don’t know. But you do, you twit. I just told you that I have a tracker and you ask me… “A tracker??? Does it track things??” What is that la babe!!!!

You’re a funny girl you know. You make me laugh, sometimes you piss the living shit out of me when you shut away from me. Your ridiculous ass cravings for chocolate is way too scary and funny. I mean..who wakes up at 3am and decides she wants a chocolate sundae at that very moment!!!!

I know I irritate you too. With my nonsense singing and my stupid story telling. But I do it all in the name of jest. I like how you’re independent and speak your mind. I like how you’re able to ignore what’s going on. I know your mood swings. You’re mad once every month but it took me a while to get used to. We share the same bedroom. You talk too much when you’re tired. You shut away from everything when you’re upset. I don’t like that..but I know that’s the way you work and that’s cool with me. You wear talk like you’re high and you laugh at everything I say or do. And you’re becoming a real swell cook. Plus, I think you’re really pretty….I bet the boy at the bus stop thinks so too.

I didn’t do what I did because of you. I thought you understood that. I’m sorry if I upsetted you. I really am. It was something I needed to do. I know things have change, but I’m hoping it’s all good between us. You go ahead and do what you need too, k? I’m still here…sometimes in the next room or in the kitchen…sometimes, I’m just a phone call away. But I’ll always be there for you, even if you have your wee hour chocolate cravings.

I love you.

There are some things in life that happen to you and when you look back at it, you laugh. For an example, a sprained ankle or a car door slammed finger, or maybe an insect invasion in your house or a fall down the stairs due to freakishly large roach spotted at the car. Sometimes these things happen because they were meant to add some spice and laughter. Maybe it’s a sign telling you to lighten up and laugh hysterically at yourself.

Then there are some things, which you forget so easily. Like why was I at Sizzler’s a long time ago having dinner? Or like I knew I wore that outfit, but why? Who were those kids who like eating bananas in the school bus? Or was Carebears first then Ewoks? Or did Smurfs come on first?

Of course, with those memories you forget so easily, there are those few that you remember. These kinds of memories are usually the tricky ones. The ones that you want to forget, but because it’s made you or changed you in a way…they kind stay in your mind. Sometimes, when you least expect it, it flashes past your mind and you remember. You remember like it was just yesterday and your heart sinks.

That’s why I do the things I do. I know what you’re thinking. I know what you feel about this. But there are reasons for it. You said what you wanted to say. I heard them and I didn’t say a thing.
For this one, do not fight me on this. Do not question why it is the way it is. It just is. I can’t keep explaining and picking up bits and pieces. Please do not throw it in my face over and over. Because I’m at edge. The very tip. Bastard child, I may be. A fucked up anal person. I get you. But don’t throw it in my face.

Because this time, I won’t keep quiet.