Magical Tipsy Toes

I was just going through some of my old entries today and I realized that I really do write nonsense sometimes. I’ve never really kept a journal about my feelings and stuff. Well, I did try before…but my mum found it and there was a lot of angst in the writing and then she flipped…and I flipped. So really…no more writing journals and keeping under the bed things anymore.

So when my sister asked why I decided to keep a blog…it got me thinking. So in my head, I took a walk down the ziggity zaggety lines of the membrane lane.

To be quite honest, it really began with ColourfulShoes. I’m not entirely sure when I started reading her blog but we met a couple of years ago when she was working in town…she was explaining to me how she keeps her friends, those far and near updated with the going ons in her life. So naturally…she gave me her link. And I’ve been reading it ever since even though she sits besides me in office and I get face-to-face updates.

I never really understand the whole dynamic of keeping a blog and I thought it was quite foolish and I was just plain lazy to keep updating and typing stuff. I mean…like why…why in the blazes would I do such a thing.

Ahh…Such is life eh?

I started finding out more about blogs. CFB and I decided maybe we should start one of our own…just for the heck of it. And sooo justfortheheckofit.blogdrive.com became a just for shits and giggles kinda blog. We even roped in PP (who is now the proud but really silent owner of justfortheheckofit.blogdrive.) We each had 3 different kind of colour codes so whoever who read our blog would know who was who.

I mean justfortheheckofit saw many stories. Some sad, painful ones…some just ridiculously funny and some just quotes or music lyrics and some just stories that rolled into our minds. We first became friends with AbbyNormal. I loved reading her blog. And I still do. It was something I look forward too every morning when I got into Mentally Dysfunctional Irritants of SingASongofSixPence. She sometimes made laugh. She sometimes made me tear. She sometimes made think. But I thought she absoultely rocked. And she still does. What was even better was…she introduced tagging to me…and since then I’ve been hooked. Thanks Abby.
Soon, CFB and I decided…it was time. Time to start our own blog. One filled with our own colours and designs….so she headed off to chocolate-fudge-brownie and I to the land of magicaltipsytoes.

That was when JB started writing too. She became hooked on this “blog thing”. I met the CigarJunkie…who absolutely loves to tag too…and then we found out that CigarJunkie and Chrysalis was indeed the same guy!! And now he’s fondly known as PHM.
And because of this “blog thing” I’ve come to know that AbbyNormal who is indeed slightly abnormal is a stay home mum who loves her job. She makes the best kind of sloppy joes. She enjoys cycling and teasing her neighbours…her family is amazing and really fun. They go camping and her kids invent new things and makes me want to try it at home. She’s a bit iffy about her junk mail and certain sales assistant…and yet she thinks organic food is the way to go…but she’s afraid of her basement.

Then there’s CigarJunkie who doesn’t only review cigars…but other many spiffy things…who is also known as Chrysalis and PHM and…. Who’s got three lovely kids who enjoy watching the sports with their dad. Who is sometimes crazy and then very normal and then just himself. Who loves pie as much as I do…has a cat names Vincent. It’s like I can safely say…”You know Vincent, I knew you like when you this small and now you’re all grown up” His daughter plays in the band…and I watched her concert thanks to modern day technology. Sometimes Chrysalis gets angry…sometimes Chrysalis gets stuck at the airport…other times I check to see which country he’s chilling at and wonder if he’s tried the beer and I can’t wait to hear about his trips and his photos. And now…I’m all excited to see the Singapore flag appear on his blog site.

I’ve met Penny…who is a Saggitarius too. She’s as whacky and zany and has all these letters from heaven….she likes to steal pies with me…She’s got a beautiful daughter and extremely lovely grandchildren. Who enjoys her cup of coffee in the morning and loves to wake Pen up…Sometimes, she writes funny stories on Thursdays and sometimes she writes meaningful stories that make you want to cry. She loves to throw toilet paper around…she secretly tricks Pen into dancing the chicken dance. But you know she’s got a whole lotta love.

She enjoys tipping cows with me…she loves to dress up on Halloween…Sometimes, she gets tired of writing and needs rest…so Rob takes over. They absolutely love to “fight” with each other on their own blog…they create spiffy icons and stuff…and even found Chrysalis his own name kind of place. The love their dogs to bits and we’ve seen all the lovely photography on their header….and I especially love the one with the sunset and waves photo. Pen & Rob. What a pair….and I’m glad I tagged surf…because I got to make friends with a really spiffy couple.

I’ve just realized that voting for Herb was the best thing I’ve ever done. He’s let me hideout at his place…sometimes he tells the story like it us and then sometimes he tries to bamboozle you…but he knows how to make a mean cow tip over and jiggle. With blog friends like that..you know you can always count on him to make you laugh your head off at his tagging skills.

Then there is StaticBrain….ahhh…this lady is gem. She’s one heck of spunky lady who’s been through the toughest of things…but she still manages to find the humour in them. I’ve met SweetOne and Cueball….and they are all a bunch of awesome people. We’ve discussed issues at length over email. I know she enjoys designing websites…and its because of her…I have a new home..well..not just one..but two. And she laughs at silly things…She throws awesome Banyan parties at the beach and invites all the cool people….Sometimes she heads down to Abby’s and Chrysalis to yell a little about cows that have taken over. Sometimes she feels that the world is getting a bit too much…but at the end of the day..she tries her absolute darnest to make everyone around her, blog friends too…feel spiffy.

See…JB…you wanted to shut down your blog…you just had to start it back up again. LMM is hooked…and your new blog is way cool….and then there is Miss TipsyFaeries…I miss shitting all over your tag board. I’ll admit this to you…I’m a little lost without this whole comment thing on your blog. But it’s ok…I can handle it…I will talk to you on mine…or actually maybe on CFB’s. And speaking of CFB’s brand new spiffy place…I mean…how can I not visit it everyday…how??

Such is life…..I take back what I said about blogging last time…I’ve met the most beautiful and awesome people. Even though The Cousins and Best Buds (TipsyFaeries and ColourfulShoes included) meet me often…it’s really through your writing I get to know your head and your heart. AbbyNormal, Chrysalis, Penny, Pen/Rob, Herb, Cari and the secret people who secretly read my blog and then surprise with me sudden messages…..

Thank you….For laughing when the man stole testubes…for trying to figure out why a body part of a human model was found at the staircase…for understanding that sometimes I have no idea why my head goes off on its own….for all the love and advise and calming, comforting words. For the silly tags that make me laugh and go taggy happy….blog world brings me far away….

Thank you. You guys rock!

Dear Online Journal Blog Thing,

I know. I know…it’s been a while since I last updated. That’s because for a while the stories in my head and heart have reached a new low.

Friday was lovely. Thanksgiving with Best Buds. I’m thinking photos will be up soon on CFB’s. Provided those things she needs to receive get to her in time. heh. I’m sorry.

Saturday was Happy Feet day. I’ve decided that instead of making my shoes into tap shoes, I’m going to put thumbtacks and try to have some happy feet for myself. Hopefully, my grumpy knees don’t get jealous. I liked the impromptu teh session I had with Best Buds and Associates.

Sunday was a strange day. I felt out of place and out of sorts. I look at each one of them and I wonder how come I turned out this way. JB’s new place is fricking spiffy. I love it. Before I even walked into her house, I felt right all warm and fuzzy. Nice.

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Sometimes….just sometimes when all is quiet…

I wonder if I knit you a sweater, would you wear it even if I missed a knit knot.
I wonder if I cooked you a meal, would you eat it even if the meat was burnt and vegetables weren’t green anymore.
I wonder if I drove the car off the cliff, would you look at me and say “here we go, baby”
I wonder if I decided to have fun, would you shine like the sun.
I wonder if I wrote you a letter, would you read in between the lines.
I wonder if I made you feel better, would you see for what it is.
I wonder if I sang you a song, would you bob your head to the tune that’s not in tune.
I wonder if I made you pancakes, would you eat it in a bus.
I wonder if I gave you a pen, would you write your name on the cover.
I wonder if I said I’m done with it all, would you be angry if its done.

I wonder and I ponder in all its yonder.

With all the gonder,
Kelly

I thought when I woke up this morning I wouldn’t feel anything. That the feelings would just slip off me like a coat and fall onto the floor.

I was wrong.

I feel it clinging on my skin. It’s grown tighter and it refuses to budge. I am trying to pretend it doesn’t exist. But it does. I can’t seem to shake it off anymore. It’s like I’m a can of baked beans that’s tired of being in the back of cupboard and is ready to explode because the expiry date is nearing.

I used to feel sad. Sad that my parents think that way. Sad that I am such a disappointment to them. Just because I don’t dress more girly. Or because I rather hang out with people who don’t make me feel like I’m such a chore to be with. I used to feel scared. Scared that I’ll upset them more. Scared that I might get whacking.

Then one day, something snapped. I didn’t feel sad or scared anymore. I began not to care. It was tiring. Tiring when I tell you who exactly I’m hanging out with and only have use it against me. Tiring when I tell you where I am and you think I’m somewhere else. Tiring to keep apologizing because I don’t want to have you keep shouting. Tiring to keep worrying if there will be another shouting match when I get home. I’m tired of emotional blackmailing. Tiring when I try to involve you in my life and you turn around and tell me I don’t really amount to anything. I look like I have a problem when I come home? You’re right I do. You never thought I’d be this way? Yes, it was always in me…this person you say that I am. This mean, selfish and horrible side that I have. It just took a while to come out.

You say you know what I’m up too outside? Good…maybe you can fill me in on what’s going on with my life. Because I have no clue myself on this secret lifestyle I’m leading.

So I don’t carry handbags…or wear dresses and skirts…or even put on make up or wear heels. It doesn’t mean I’m not normal. Does it?? Yes, you’re right….if I somehow don’t see your point or where you are coming from, it must mean I’m stupid and ungrateful and therefore it gives you the right to spit at me.

So the sadness has disappeared. The scared feeling is beginning to ebb away. And anger has taken over. A bubbling pot of anger is left. It’s going to erupt. I’m good with controlling emotions…but the end result is this crazy ass headache I keep having. Now every little thing agitates me. They say you are who you want to be. So when you ask me how I feel when you tell me I’m a disgrace….or when you say you want to give me problems after problems because you think I deserve it…or when you say I’m arrogant because I can’t be fucked…. I feel angry. And I’m not scared of you or sad because of you.

I’m scared of what I might do. And I’m sad that I might really do it.