Magical Tipsy Toes

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Too much has happen in a short while that I haven’t had the time to let it all sink in.

I see you in my mind. I see you sitting at a corner with your arms wrapped across my brains. Then I try to shake you out of it because knowing you’re sitting in there hurts my heart.

My mind is all over the place. Taking walks dow memory lane without my permission sometimes, it goes back to Atah’s house. Playing badminton, walking to the Shell station, cycling Tata’s bicycle, playing monkey, talking to you about boys and whether he liked you or he was just playing with you. We would fight because you like shouting and I liked annoying you. But it never went on for more than a day because we would take help Atah pick flowers. We had slumber parties with Gail. It was three of us who loved watching scary movies in the dark of night and Atah would let us be, making us snacks and her famous Milo. “May the power of money compell you” Remember that….Freddy was majorly fucked up, huh. Gail and you would cover your eyes, but secretly peeking from the pillow and yelling at me to change the channel.

We would always play in Atah’s room and the Tata’s room was always myterious and spooky. But when we gotta pee, we gotta pee, eh….so we ended up there and only when it was my turn, the damn fucking cockroach decides to turn up. I remember the iron lady who would entice us with sweets and then threaten us with the iron when we were just a few steps away…and we swore we would protect each other and fight her off if we had too.

Then you moved just two minutes away from me. Your house was a place I could escape to. I was there almost every day, sometimes waiting for you to come back from school or just waiting for you to wake up. We had malay tuition together at the house of farts. We always went late for tuition even though it was just next door. I loved how you would greet me in the morning all so sleepy and stoned and decide to make breakfast cause you just could go on without bacon and eggs. We would end up half hour late for tuition in fits of giggles. You had a mini attic and that’s where, when the cousins were over, we would bunk there..and we would play monopoly. And you always ruled at that game…and you loved making so much money only to throw up in the air exclaiming “i’m rich…i’m rich.” and you’d laugh so loudly.

Then Dec 9 happened. You were away on holiday. You came back that very night with your hair all braided and looking so tanned. You looked at me and crumbled and all the cousins came around and all of us started to cry. You looked lost. We all knew you were her favourite and she was your everything. And so began the daily stays at the hospital. We would keep Atah company everyday. That’s when good cop and bad cop came about.

Then she was gone and that night while we were lying on her bed, you said you have nothing to live for now that she was gone and that’s when I made that promised. And I’ve been keeping that promise ever since.

I saw you fall head over heels in love with a friend of mine. And I saw how time loves to change people. You laughed out loud with Sharkbait Hoo Haa Haa at coffee club, you were dubbed Jamaican Baity. You started out blogging with me and we became tagoholics. I had too many fights with you and yet we managed to do New York. You were angry. I was angry. Even then we always called each other when we needed to laugh and face the world. For a while you didn’t understand that it was difficult to see you do something you didn’t have the heart to…so I stepped away. But you soon learnt it was just my way of dealing with it. And I learnt you just wanted to spend some funny time with me. We got back into the groove of things. You told me about him and AngelBoy. I listened, sometimes not approving of what you said..but I assured you that no matter what I’ll stand by whatever decision you made. Even when I was a little far away from you, you finally realised that I was still looking out for you. We did too many things together. You lived near me, even when you shifted again. My classmates knew you, we went swimming, we had massive house parties and those jello shots of yours were famous. My friends knew you, you enjoyed long conversations with Mike, and laughing with Lav and taking dance classes with Dawn. Kat and you traded many silly stories. They knew things about you and sometimes, admittedly so, you went a little loco…and so did I…but no matter what we always found our way back to each other.

No, I don’t any regrets, even with fights and cold war we’ve had. We both can be real hot-tempered asses but hey…that’s why I was yours and you were mine. Because I knew where to find you if I needed you and you knew where to find me. We had too much fun together. I was your secret/heart keeper and you were my mind keeper.

But you’re no longer here. You’ve gone. You’re gone very far away that I can’t find you. I haven’t been able to wrap my mind around it. The girl who calls me everyday, even if its to giggle for two minutes or to yell me…you’re not here anymore and I feel lost.

Who is going to go crazy with me when its Christmas time? And who is going force me to buy 3 boxes of minced pies. Who is going to yell “Kelleh!! It’s Gabbeth Carpet!!” Who is going to crave for peanut balls with me? Who is going to call me and ask where I’ve been and update on the world of Facebook? You’re not here anymore.

You wanted so badly for me to give a speech at your wedding even though I was actually very shy, but standing there, all I could see was you, babe. You, mouthing those words and my heart swelled with love for you. And then a year passed by, 3 weeks ago, 29th January 2008, 12.01am happened and then I was to read your eulogy.

I think about you. And when I do, I can’t breathe sometimes because my heart is pain. I think about you and I want to crumble and cry because I am beginning to wonder if there was more I could have done….but mainly it’s because I miss you and I want to go with you. Because of what you said to me that day.

I’ve kept my promise. I’ve been keeping it ever since. But looks like I can’t always fix everything.

I’m sorry.

I miss you too much Nita. Too much.

Is it maybe you can come pick me babe? Even if you can’t pick me up….visit me, talk to me. There are things that are going on, I need to hear you. You said to wait and so I will.

“Tell her I love her too. Her purpose isn’t fulfilled yet. Don’t rush”