Magical Tipsy Toes

It’s chilly today. Came home today and from the gate, home smelt like Christmas. Warm minced pies and seasoning for ham and turkey filled the whole house.

And my thoughts are only of you.

You, the Christmas kid…who taught me the wonders of Christmas pudding and brandy butter. You, whose voice I hear in my head when I think back to our last Christmas conversations. You, whose voice I miss so damn much especially during this time. Your frantic calls of what to buy and where to buy the presents. Your crazy stories about how the cabs are just never normal. You who would leave Christmas presents downstairs your block because the need for a cigarette was just too much. I miss you, my darling cousin. I miss you a lot. I’m just not ready yet. Not now.

This year has been crazy. Too many things and time just flew on by. This Christmas would be a year since I last heard his voice. And this Christmas would be the first you’re not here. I am not sure I’m suppose to deal with it. But somehow I know it’ll be ok.

I had a long weekend. A birthday weekend of sorts. I spent time with the family, went home with the sister who was tipsy along with me and pretending to be sober in front of our dad was quite funny. I spent time with the cousins, all of them, each with the proper alone time that was very much needed and I spent time with my favourite girls.

This whole year has been like a dream. One year in the current job. I know it’s something I’m good at. Although being jobless before was quite a kick in the ass. So that probably straighten me out. A change of boss…which was pretty interesting. My new boss is spiffy. She reminds me of you. The way she talks, stands and tells jokes, her witty sense of humour. It’s quite funny and it feels like you are here on most days, at least. The cloak of adulthood seemed to fit and I am ok with it and all the responsibility that comes with.

The folks were a bit trying this year. Somehow they have massive trust issues with, or rather the lack of it. But I managed to set some things straight..and I’m learning not to let them affect me too much. The cousins got a lot closer after you left us. The need to see or just to talk to them increased every other day. And somehow, we’ve grown a lot closer than we used to be. We have too much fun with each other and for that I am very grateful.

The doc’s visit was more frequent this year. The mother got involved which is both a good and bad thing. I’m still working on it. It’s just that I really do love ice-cream. I like to eat on happy days. I like ice-cream on sad days. I like ice-cream when I’m wearing mismatched socks. But my stomach is healing slowly. I just hope by next year…it’ll be done. It’s not fun running to the toilet and doubling over every now and then.

I’ve learnt some things about Best Buds this year. It’s some sorta massive change we went thru. Growing up, apart. Realised a couple of things about each one…and then there’s you. I didn’t realise I put you on that pedestal till it came crashig down. I see what she sees…but you will never be someone who’s happy with the little things. You always want something more…and we realised that we’ve given enough. I met some old friends…made new ones. I’m still maintaining ones that mean the world to me. There was Singfest, Lifehouse, Avenue Q, basketball matches, tennis match and the F1 race..nothing like doing the things you love with your friends.

Then there is you, my best friend, my heart keeper. I fell in love with you from afar and now it’s your hand I get to hold everyday. Never in my wildest dreams….Everyday is an adventure with you. Crazy fights, silly arguments. Your hands fit in mine. I love you sweetheart. More everyday and even more when you leave the stove on till the next morning. You are amazingly beautiful. And yes, that smile of yours still knocks me out of my socks.

First week of October is beginning to look good. Thank you Sup…if we didn’t meet by accident at Mustafa..I would not have known. One of the best gig I’ve been too. 2008 seems like one heck of artsy kinda of year.

I missed you too much today. So did she. She cried cause thoughts of you were consuming. Made worse by alcohol i guess. heh. She drinks and she remembers. I want too, so I can forget.

I’m not doing so well when it comes to you. I’m not ready to let go. For some reason I’m scared to let you go.

“Come away with me. I want a day with you and you only. I want to enjoy the simple things with you. Even the things we find most boring and stupid. I want to enjoy it with you. Because even when they are boring and mundane, you bring joy to my life. And when time steals what it steals, we’ll remember the things that make our heart smiles. I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat and tell you stories of the moon and the stars untill you fall asleep. I would not even think about time that is passing by. If I had one day with you and you only, I would remember every line on your face, you amazing eyes and every other feature, I have it engraved in my memory, every strand of hair, every single movement of your hands and your body. If I had one perfect day, I will show just how much my heart really beats, just for you. All of these things I will remember, forever. Your warm hand your warm breath, your warm mouth and lips. Your arms around mine. My day will be to always remember feeling safe, and keeping you safe and protected. I will remember how I feel every single time I kiss you, the way you drive me so high and drunk.

These things I tell you because you need to know that I love you. I’ve loved you since I first time I saw you and I loved you when you were with the ones you weren’t suppose to be. I loved you when you laid on the bed and cried your eyes out and I’ve loved you when you were laughing and smiling. I’ve loved you when you didn’t believe you could be loved, I’ve loved you when you didn’t realise what you realised. And I’m still loving you. Everyday, always.”