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Archive for the 'Heart' Category

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2117hours - and away you went

Posted in Heart on December 30th, 2007



“I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May Gods love be with you
Always
May Gods love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You cant keep awake

May Gods love be with you
Always
May Gods love be with you

Cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
You

I dont know anymore
What its for
Im not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe youre not even sure what its for
Any more than me

May Gods love be with you
Always
May Gods love be with you”

You stood there laughing and grinning. You stood there knowing exactly how I would react. There was lunch and drinks involved. I was scared. Shit scared and so I ran. My skin suddenly feeling strangely new.

A month went by. You came around again. Standing exactly where I left you, I dragged you to her. A really long conversation with so many explanations. But you knew exactly what I meant. You knew and you understood. That’s when a bit of myself started to lose itself. I didn’t realise it you did. I bled on your shirt, puked on your shoes. And you still stuck around….and then you go and make me crave it even more.

You spoke to her. I never knew till later. You asked about them. You sang in the wee hours of morning. You were slow in peeling off the layers. Slowly but surely, you were that sure of yourself. You knew before I did. You said you would do the impossible.

You did.

You made me fall. I fell pretty hard and fast. I just didn’t know it yet.

But you’re gone now.

And yet I’m still waiting for that phone call. For that reply.

They say it won’t come anymore. I know it to be true in my head.

But my heart is waiting. It’s still waiting and it will continue to wait till I can no longer feel.

How long more till I stop waiting?


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hold on before its too late

Posted in Heart on October 13th, 2007

“And the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save”

Tonight. Tonight was possibly the worst I’ve ever felt. I do the things I want to do, the things I would normally do, just so that there is some sort of sanity in my head. But tonight, all the things I thought I could handle, I couldn’t. Bit by bit, I feel like I’m disappearing. I feel like I’m losing myself. I suppose we all get lost once in a while. Sometimes by choice, sometimes to stuff beyond our control. I’m not sure if this is my choice or the stuff that is beyond my control. The way out seems clearer but the wandering further and deeper is getting the better of me. Fear, anger and sadness, makes losing myself so much easier.

Tonight. Tonight was so damn difficult to control all the things I should have control over. I desperately need to find my way back. The only way I know how is thru you. But I need to find you. I’m trying to get to you. I see it in your eyes and it kills me to know that the closer I am to finding you, the further I push you away.

I need to find my way back. I don’t want to be lost anymore.

“Because I can only tell you what I know, that I need you in my life.
When the stars have all gone out you’ll still be burning so bright”

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can’t look down

If it takes my whole life
I won’t break, I won’t bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You’ll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won’t break, I won’t bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You’ll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind


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reality rips on through

Posted in Heart, stealth on August 31st, 2007

Went for a walk today. A walk to air the things in my head. It would be so much easier if I could just wring out brains then maybe the thoughts would fall into place accordingly.

Imagine this.

Imagine a world in your head. A world full of cloudy, loopy, angry, frustrated, happy, smiley thoughts. Imagine all of these things in your head fighting to be heard. Imagine all the colours smashing into one another. Imagine having a little bubble in the head that’s hiding out. Hiding under all chaos. Just staying there and listening to the war. Imagine sitting alone in a room. With no one else around, just you. Just the thoughts going round and round - vicious cycle. Imagine hating the person you are. Hating the skin you wear, hating the every single part of you, wanting to tear it all to pieces. Imagine wanting to strip yourself of your own skin and watch it float away. Imagine watching your heart cut itself into tiny million pieces because it doesn’t want to be a part of your body. Imagine watching a black balloon floating high up into the sky and the need to be that balloon becomes so damn important. Imagine the dullness of it all, should it ever go away.

Before realising something is happening, colours in sky make an appearance. What you once thought was just a normal black balloon is an addition to rainbow in the sky. All of a sudden that makes the world in your head settle itself. The cloudy, loopy, angry, frustrated, happy, smiley thoughts still exist. The fighting is still going on and voices now can be heard. Louder and clearer. The room is still a lonely one. The thoughts slow down but still in a vicious cycle. The skin slowly settles in itself. The pieces you once thought were pieces no longer matter. It’s the other tiny pieces that needs patching, replacing, soothing and consoling. The black balloon ventures on up in the sky, a sky full of other colorful balloons. A particular one stands out.

And it makes sense. Or does it?

Because when I look, and I find…I know nothing else. Is that ok?


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