“I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you.”
Once in a while I’m hit with this unexplainable emotion that I feel great need to sedate. When I don’t sedate or calm this emotion down, I become someone I’m not or rather someone I hate to become. The past couple of weeks, this unexplainable emotion has decided to take over and make certain that I sedate it in whatever means possible, most of the time; I tend to choose the sexual prescription. I feel the winds in my head circling around as I try my level best to curb this emotion and I try to satisfy it by other means. By keeping it all in box and covering it with a white blanket in my head. Usually, or rather a long while ago, it used to help. I hate it when I’m in this particular mood. I’m unsettled and unsatisfied. It’s not the lack of physical ness; well that’s what I used to think it was. It’s knowing that I will never be.
So began the walk, the talk, and the drinks. All of these voices and thoughts in my head and are in a constant spin. I told myself, it was for research and of course laughed it off in my head. But I knew what I wanted and I figured how exactly I was going to get it – the plan seemed perfect in my head, but It was the execution that was a problem.
This unexplainable emotion comes about knowing when I’m not enough. And knowing I never will be. So it leaves me with a gaping hole in my heart. It’s not the lack of physical ness. It’s the lack of heart filling. So by going out to search for some filling of sorts helps for while in thinking that, maybe I could be enough for him or her. For that moment, that spilt second or two (in this case, I recently learnt about it takes about two minutes or so) knowing that I am enough calms the unexplainable emotion down. Even if it was just for a while.
It’s not the searching or wanting to search that makes me think. It’s the reason why I was driven to search in first place. It’s trying my level best to sedate the emotion when I know now I can never enough. I will always just be….And that’s what scares me and then fuels this unexplainable emotion. That’s the tough thing about listening to the heart. You go places where you shouldn’t be. Some places that are exciting and hell scary and fucking dangerous. Sometimes you realize too late that it’s not leading to a cotton candy ending but instead you get a massive head drop. But that’s not the difficult part. The difficult part is actually listening to it. I listen to the heart and I follow its ways, I start off all normal. It’s when I’m in the unknown and I figure I can never go back. And I know this unexplainable emotion is probably going to hang around cause it’s a part of me, just like how your heart is.
