Magical Tipsy Toes

Blackouts and dizzy spells decided to surprise me out of the blue. At first I thought it could be due to the lack of proper meals, well, sometimes, I still like to think that is the cause of all this shit. Unfortunately, thats not the case.

Soon, the aches decided to party all the way down to my fingers. It makes gripping certain things really difficult. It makes putting socks on hard when internally my body decides to battle because why not join the party of aches of sorts. So its hard to keep food down. And we all know I like my socks. And I like my food and drinks.

Naturally and rightfully so….there will always be a certain body part left out of all these crazy battling, parties and surprises that have taken a toll on me…the head decides to zoom on by with a mother of all headaches. A headache that radiates. One that does not go away when I sleep. One that actually has managed to wake me up with the loud pounding just when I’m about to visit dreamland.

I miss sleeping. Five weeks and I probably had only 25 hours of sleep so far. Yes, I’ve actually counted. I mean what else can I do when I’m up with all the voices in the head…when the partying is giving me the shakes, when the surprises worry me.

I’ve had my nose violated. I’ve had my lungs scaned, and re-scaned. Wait and see. Too early to tell. Maybe it will clear up soon. I’ve had my head checked and re-checked. Suffered silently in small, confined places. And yet…..

I’m scared. I like to think on some days I’m not. But those days, I’m scared even more. And then I’m wondering what if I’m not scared anymore. Is that a good thing or a bad thing.

I’m tired. I miss sleeping. I need sleep. I crave sleep. A part of me feels its slowly fading away. That the breaking down and crumbling is not too far away. I worry I won’t be able to pick myself up. Sometimes it feels right to listen to the voices in my head and do the thing that comes so damn easy for me. But my heart gets the better of me….

Best Buds & The Cousins have been amazing. I cannot thank you guys enough. Yes, I know I sometimes deserve the scolding and the silent killer looks of disapproval. I love you guys plenty. Thank you. I know I can be quite a stubborn piece of shit. And I know I’ve been massively difficult. Difficult not cause I want to but because of the circumstances that surround and suffocate me. I’m trying my darnest to get rid of these silly fears. Bear with me. Please.

And I know its been especially hard on Lav, considering she’s the one I meet so often. But she’s been there and she’s seen the worst. From tissues to buttons. I know its tough with the likes of me. I know. Thank you being patient. And yes, I know how badly you want to hit me with spoon…But thank you. For you. For everything.
It hurts me like you have no idea to see what I see in your eyes. I only wish I could take it away real quick.