Magical Tipsy Toes

Sugar in my yogurt

“You’re a fucking disappointment. You’re digusting.”
“You make me sick, you arrogant bastard.”
“Fuck you…I’ll smash your fucking face.”
“Look at you. Just look at your fucking face.”

11pm - maybe mahjong paper

“You think I don’t know why you want to go out?”
“Who knows what you do outside, God alone knows.”
“You not ashamed of yourself you bitch.”
“You’re a whore…you’re a bitch. You think you’re a man is it, walking the streets.”
“You are a fucking ungrateful bastard. You’re sick in the head. You’re hiding something in you’re head.”

Forget towels

“You’re slow. No wonder. Low education, that’s why.”
“Something wrong in your head.”
“I will smash your face, you’re bloody rude, you bastard.”
“Fuck you, understand. You will do what I want you to do”
“Just look at yourself…I’m ashamed of you. Look at you. No wonder……….”

I know why I get frustrated and angry more every time this happens. I realise its because I move further away. In my head, I’m stepping so far away that I know I’ve reached a point that when I’m done, I’m done. I’m not bad. I know I’m not. So think all you want about me hiding something. Think about all the bad stuff I do in behind your back, putting sugar in yougurt in front of you can only mean I do worse things behind your back.

You want to know my secrets? The things in my head?

I want you to hit me so I can smash your fucking face.
I want to tell you so you will throw me out.
I want to yell at you so you’ll leave the fuck alone.
I am not your fucking outlet. Leave me the fuck alone.
You are fucking driving me crazy and I worry I don’t do something right the next day.
I’m not worth it. I know that. I’m not like them. I accepted that. Why can’t you fucking accept that too?
I will never be enough. That’s fine, someday, I promise I’ll be gone.

You want to break me?

Don’t fucking bother. I’m already broken.

The days have crashed into each other like a washing machine full of thick carpets. Two or three hours a day maybe not be what the doctors prescribed but it’ll do for now. Random thoughts come and go and then come back and stay. The pocket full of masks has run out except for one. I think for now, I’ll just use it till it wears out.

“Forgiveness is about letting go babe….maybe it’s time you do what’s expected of you”

I know. I have. I did. I’m ok. Question is, are you?”

“I need your help. You’re not supposed to, but I need your help”

Not suppose to eh?? Ahh…we’re back at that again. I like all these not suppose things. Very secretive.

“You fucked up and yet…”

Whoooa…..I fucked up? Didn’t realize you’re quite spiffy with that knife. It’s alright; aim a little closer to left. My back hurts more there.

“I’m tired of not being enough…”

Such is life. Life is such. So…..take a number and join the queue. It’s gonna be a long wait.

“A little here and there…..”

“If only…..maybe we should”

“If I asked you to make that choice now…would you?”

Choices are like green eggs and ham….they are right in front of you but you’re not sure if you should touch or eat them but they sure as hell look tasty. Either way, you can have them up in the sky or down in the pie.

You know my answer. You’ve known it all along. Don’t ask what you don’t want to hear babe.

And for now my skin lays on the floor.