Magical Tipsy Toes

It’s a little difficult to explain what’s been going on. I am not angry or upset…it’s just real sad how things have shown themselves. Strangely she was the only one who really bothered. Guess we don’t really see things the way the are till it’s no longer.

The past few days I have been taking long walks in my minds. Maybe it’s this whole sickness or maybe every where I turn my thoughts run into you. I imagine you smiling. I see your face while giving the speech. I see it and my heart breaks into tiny pieces.

I close my eyes and my thoughts swirl against one another. The wind blows gently, the smell of freshly cut grass lingers. I stare into the darkness, unsure of where I stand. I make my way down a path in the water. I see them in the distance. I reach out to touch, to greet…but they ignore me. I am left wandering by myself. I try to talk to them but I my mind no longer remembers their names. I feel lighter, the voices in my head have calmed down.

I see all but the one I search for is not in sight.

Sometimes when you say things that really hurt. I can’t tell you because its stupid. But it hurts like hell.

It feels like a new candy has been discovered and I’m excited and then I’m not because I might just be what the candy grows to dislike.

Why does it feel like I’m torn into two?

It’s like knowing there are things that need to be done first. Like you. Looking after, making sure these things are in place. They need to be done…and then only will all the rest of it fall into place. Those are my only thoughts. Why? I have no idea.

You say the things that you say. You understand, but do you really. Because I have absolutely no clue what to do. Because when I think about it, its unfair, not to me. But to you. When I think about it, I want to rip my guts out because its all I can do to stop myself from walking right off the pavement.

(Message to LAVINIA)

This was where I had a lengthy infortmation tidbit about Christmas presents. But I realise now….because of you nothing about presents of such and sorts should ever be placed in here. Password protected stuff will be a thing of the past. Although i have now realised that I can actually communicate with you secretly. Interesting. Very interesting.

It’s a dark presence that hides in corners and jumps out to surprise. It’s the wicked whispers that makes the taunting and ridiculing hard to ignore . If you knew exactly what it was like you’d run. If you knew how dark it gets inside, you’ll regret. Bit by bit. Piece by piece. It starts to fade away. Existing no longer seems necessary.

And you, you I miss so much it actually hurts. I don’t understand why, but it does. But you have no idea and you never will.