It must have started out when you walked across the field. Or was it when you walked across the room. It could have been when you walked to the table to take orders. Or it might just be the day the table decided to act up. Or was it when you went out behind for a smoke. Trying on shoes across the room, supermarket aisles, long, just for fun walks. When did it all start?
Right now, right here, in this lifetime, this time is not mine.
Because you were an accidental chance. An accident, willed to happen over and over again, at any time. Maybe just this once, this time, in the next lifetime, time will be mine. And so will you.
Is it wrong to wish it was different? To wish a child away. To wish the heart wasn’t such a bastard. To wish distance wasn’t involved. Is it wrong to wish regrets away? To want you to have all the things you speak of because nothing else is known and yet…..Is it so wrong to wonder what is to come of this? And yet to wish to never know it.
It’s not the fear of not being to let go. It isn’t. It’s realising that you weren’t holding as tight.
“A thing is not just because God wills it, but God wills it because it is just.â€
I remember when I was a kidlet, I had a friend. A tiny friend…who shared secrets with me. A tiny friend, Freddy, that made smile and laugh when I was by myself, who spoke to me when I was being punished….who sipped some of my apple juice while I was watching cartoons, whispering stories of faraway lands when I fall off to sleep.
After a while….Freddy dissapeared. I couldn’t see him anymore. I wasn’t sure why. I just forgot about him. It didn’t really matter because I was all grown up now…and I didn’t need a tiny friend anymore. Sometimes, though….just sometimes, when I’m alone, I wished he was still around…so that maybe he could tell me what to do…or why exactly I feel this way. So the conversations in the head begin.
Last night, I feel asleep on Nita’s couch. I woke up in a frenzy. I was a little lost and puzzled…and yes, blur too. I forgot where I was…and then I remembered. I remembered a little here and there…. And I felt worried and scared. Not for me. But for you. I felt it in my dreams…I felt it break into a million pieces…and I felt it break quietly. Dreams are just dreams right….but I wasn’t sure why it was hurting me. And bit by bit….as I remembered the dream clearly, it started to make sense.
I know why. I know exactly why it’s in the palm of your hand. And why I left it there. It was yours to begin with. That was the reason. My reason. And it all made sense. Well, not really made sense…but I understood certain aspects of it. And I guess for now, that’ll do. And just when it all clicked in my head…I saw Freddy sitting beside me…with his little wings and grinning. And for once tonight…I’m not asleep not because of the voices in my head…but because of the long catching up conversation I had with Freddy…. “look for the girl with the…..…and you’ll see meâ€
Strange….I knew there was something about you when I first saw you.
I love you through sparks and shining dragons, I do,
now there’s poetry, in an empty coke can.
I love you through sparks and shining dragons, I do,
now there’s majesty, in a burnt out caravan.
You got me off the paper round, just sprang out of the air,
the best things come from nowhere,
I love you, I don’t think you care.
I love you through sparks and shining dragons, I do,
and the symmetry in your northern grin.
I love you through sparks and shining dragons, I do,
I can see myself in the refill litter bin.
You got me off the sofa, just sprang out of the air,
the best things come from nowhere, I can’t believe you care.
