Magical Tipsy Toes

I took a path, a path that seemed scary and unknown from a distance. But with a little nudge, with at length conversations, I found myself staring at the path, with excitement and awe. The need to run the opposite direction was strong, but with plenty of reassurance and promises that it will be alright, a leap of faith in the right direction. I walked down the path with a padded suit to protect my heart.

I just didn’t realize the protective covering faded away as I walked deeper into the pathway.

I think I dreamt you up.

You with the suspenders, you with the basketball hands. You with those damn eyes. You with that laugh and grin. You with the gardening and the stories. You with the words and game plan. You, who managed to let me fly to a place filled with what I only see in others.

Why?

I know who it is now. How is it that my heart is slightly comforted you know her and yet, you don’t

You. I dreamt you up. My heart dreamt you up.

From a memory that never was suppose to be, I dreamt you up, and against my better judgement, I fell in love.

It’s sitting in the room alone.
It’s watching his expression when he says the things I don’t want to hear.
It’s hearing what he has to say without a hand in mine.
It’s slipping into my other world and pretending this world doesn’t exist.
It’s walking out of the room with all the strength I have left.
It’s deciding what to do and when to do.
It’s the constant worry about everything else that collides.
It’s the hurting that makes me think it has to happen.
It’s the wishing you’re here that makes my heart ache.
It’s wanting to see you that I believe it will go away.
It’s knowing what’s to come that the leap takes a step back.
It’s desperately wanting to sleep so maybe, just maybe in the morning when I wake up I can think a little clearer.

It’s constantly wanting to be desperately with you that the harder I wish for it, the hurting gets worse.

Sometimes when you say things that really hurt. I can’t tell you because its stupid. But it hurts like hell.

It feels like a new candy has been discovered and I’m excited and then I’m not because I might just be what the candy grows to dislike.

Why does it feel like I’m torn into two?

It’s like knowing there are things that need to be done first. Like you. Looking after, making sure these things are in place. They need to be done…and then only will all the rest of it fall into place. Those are my only thoughts. Why? I have no idea.

You say the things that you say. You understand, but do you really. Because I have absolutely no clue what to do. Because when I think about it, its unfair, not to me. But to you. When I think about it, I want to rip my guts out because its all I can do to stop myself from walking right off the pavement.

(Message to LAVINIA)

This was where I had a lengthy infortmation tidbit about Christmas presents. But I realise now….because of you nothing about presents of such and sorts should ever be placed in here. Password protected stuff will be a thing of the past. Although i have now realised that I can actually communicate with you secretly. Interesting. Very interesting.